Even If Your Spouse Doesn't Want To!

Marriages either grow or weaken: they don't stay static. That means that a secure marriage isn't one where things are always the same. A solid marriage is one in which you never stop putting in effort to make it better and better. 

This course is intended as an eye-opener to show you why your marriage may have gotten to this point and what behaviours may be leading you further down the path to divorce.

If you're going to restore, heal, and strengthen your marriage, you HAVE to think frankly about the reasons your marriage isn't satisfying both you and your partner. That's where this course can help.

Let's start out with the things that you can't change. Some marriages start off with a number of challenges arrayed against them; other marriages have factors in their favor. If any of the following situations apply to you and your partner, don't despair. These are risk factors--not determining factors. It may just mean that you need extra help (such as professional counselling) to work through the issues that you and your partner are facing.

Study after study shows that age at marriage is one of the most powerful and consistent predictors of marital stability. If you marry before you turn twenty, you are much likely to divorce.

Many young people today believe that living together before marrying will test their compatibility and keep them from making a mistake by marrying someone they don't know fully. Despite the widespread prevalence of this belief, the evidence just doesn't back it up.

Even though over half of all first marriages are preceded by a period of living together, don't do it just because everyone else is doing it. Living together before marriage considerably increases your chances of eventually divorcing--unless you were already engaged beforehand and marry soon after moving in together.

Children of divorced parents are more likely to divorce themselves (as well as less likely to marry in the first place). This risk can be mitigated if one of you comes from a happy, intact family. If both you and your partner come from broken homes, the divorce risk soars.

On a positive note, couples with children have a slightly lower risk of divorce than childless couples, if their first child is born seven months or more after they marry. Having a child together before that period will increases your risk of divorce.

The first two years of a marriage are critical, and half of all divorces occur by the seventh year of a marriage. The longer you've been married, the more likely you are to stay married.

Money matters. Financial strains often break up marriages, as when money is tight, arguments and marital tensions increase. In fact, the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers considers financial problems to be one of the five most common reasons for divorce (along with poor communication, lack of marital commitment, infidelity, and a dramatic change in priorities.)

If you're facing challenges in your marriage, it may be comforting to know that you have some factors in your favour. These predictors are limited to factors that were set in place when you married and don't include aspects like good communication and conflict resolution skills.

Getting married over the age of twenty-five (as opposed to your teens) will decrease your chances of divorce. This is because older individuals tend to be more mature, clearer about what they're looking for in a partner, and have more economic stability.

Sharing a religion is a powerful bond, because it brings you and your partner together on a spiritual level and gives your marriage a sense of a higher purpose.

When you are both active in a religion, you have counseling and a strong support network available to foster you through difficult times in your marriage.

Too, your shared values and life goals sustain your marriage and keep you growing together rather than apart.

A college degree isn't necessary to increase your chances of a long-lasting marriage, but some higher education will decrease your chances of divorce considerably with comparison to a high-school dropout.

If you grew up in an intact family, your chances of divorce are less in comparison to someone who grew up with divorced parents. This is because so much of what we learn about marriage and marital behaviour comes from watching our parents.

If our parents developed strategies for staying together, we'll absorb those strategies in childhood and be able to use them ourselves in our adult relationships.

Couples with medium to high incomes tend to experience less strife over money management. They have the financial security to worry less about making a living and more about making a life.

Couples with children have a lower risk of divorce compared to childless couples. However, be warned: the most stressful time in a marriage is after the birth of the first child. That's why it's so important that the first child is born only after the marriage has developed a strong foundation.

According to Michael P. Johnson, professor of sociology at Penn State, there are three things that keep a person in a marriage: people want to stay, they feel they ought to stay, and/or they have to stay. This combination of personal, moral, and structural commitment serves to keep people in marriages.

Notice that commitment keeps people in marriage--not happiness. Dr. Ted Huston of the University of Texas Austin studied couples from courtship to marriage.

His ten-year-plus study exploded many popular misconceptions about love. For example, he found that many recently wed couples did not experience newlywed bliss; in fact, couples whose marriages began with "Hollywood romance" intensity soon burned out.

A couple expecting wedded bliss every day of their lives was actually more likely to divorce than a couple with a less exciting relationship, because they were more likely to consider divorce when those intense feelings subsided.

Does that mean that less exciting, even lackluster relationships last? They do indeed, perhaps because they have less far to fall.

Research shows that unhappy periods in a marriage are not indicative of future unhappiness. In fact, one study showed that 86% of unhappily married couples who stayed with their marriage were happier five years later--three fifths of whom were "quite" or "very happy."

According to the 2004 "State of Our Unions" report by the National Marriage Project, the percentage of married people 18 or older who said that their marriage was very happy has declined over the last quarter century, from about 69% in the mid 1970s to 64% for men and 60% for women today.

That's less than two-thirds of the married population who considers themselves very happy in their relationship. Clearly, you don't have to be blissfully in love or very happy for your relationship to last. What do you need?

It's not love and luck. It is commitment and companionship. Commitment means that you have powerful personal, moral, and structural reasons to stay in the relationship. Companionship means that you and your partner form a unified team against whatever challenges life hands you.

Team members may fight, disagree, and encounter stalemates, but they know that their happiness and satisfaction in life depends on the success of the team--not on their individual success.

Contrary to popular belief, it's not men who seek divorce. It's women, by an overwhelming majority. The reasons for this are varied. Part of it is the nature of divorce laws; another part is the fact that men tend to have more problems with marriage-destroying behaviors like alcoholism, affairs, and substance abuse, that cause their wives to seek separation.

Divorce is hard on everyone. The damage divorce causes to children is usually worse than the damage caused by living in a two-parent home with marital difficulties.

This is contrary to the popular belief that children are better off if their parents divorce rather than live together. Studies show that only in a minority of high-conflict situations is this true.

After a divorce, a woman's standard of living can be expected to drop while a man's standard of living may actually improve. Yet men suffer in other ways. Divorced and separated men are two and a half times more likely to commit suicide than married men.

This is partially due to the fact that men, unlike women, are less likely to have a strong support network to share their feelings. Whether due to this need for companionship or not, divorced men are more likely to remarry than divorced women, and they're more likely to remarry sooner.

Regardless of whether you're a man or a woman, whether you pay the bills or stay at home, or whether you need your spouse more than your spouse needs you, there is only one person in control of any relationship.

That person has the power to turn a relationship around or run it into the ground. And that person usually never realises how much power he/she wields until it is too late.

You have the choice to either react to the situation you're in (by complaining about your marriage, allowing yourself to be swamped by negative emotions, or feeling out of control), or to take responsibility and choose your actions. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can hurt you without your consent."

Even if you cannot change your partner's behaviour, you can choose how you respond to that behaviour. You can internalise the blame, the hurt, and the criticism, or you can take responsibility for your own feelings and choose to act the way you want to feel.

Think again about that last concept. You should act the way you want to feel. If you want to feel more loving towards your spouse, act more loving. If you want to feel happier in your marriage, smile more and express gratitude for the good things in your marriage.

It's one of the strangest aspects of human psychology that the more you act the way you want to feel (thankful, peaceful, loving, affectionate, etc.) the more you will begin to feel that way.

Few people realise this. When a marriage begins to crumble, their first instinct is to act out their emotions. They feel hurt, so they lash out. They feel criticised, so they become defensive. They feel vulnerable, so they close up. These are reactions, not actions. Your feelings should NOT make you act in ways that you don't want to.

You have the power to transform your marriage, even if your partner doesn't want to. That's because your behaviour has an enormous influence on your partner, to the point that married people actually grow alike over time. We can't help but pick up our partner's moods, preferences, and ways of saying certain things.

If you transform yourself--your attitude, the way you communicate, how often you show love and affection--your partner will be incapable of resisting. A happy, fulfilling relationship begins with you. And in the next part of this mini-course, I'll show you how to start achieving it.

Make sure that you don't leave anything to chance. Get Save My Marriage Today and learn every last detail on what it takes to turn your marriage problems around and recreate the loving marriage that you always dreamed of. With our help, it is possible to rescue any marriage!

You can be on your way to repairing your marriage within minutes. Simply Get your copy of the 6 part Mini-Course FREE by filling the form below:

Let's take a moment to review what you learned in the last lesson. In Part I, we discussed how factors beyond your control can affect how likely you are to divorce, including whether or not you're from a broken family, your age at marriage, and whether or not you lived together before marriage.

While these factors can make you statistically more or less likely to divorce, they're not determining factors. You personally have an enormous power to influence and control the course of your marriage. By acting the way you want to feel rather than reacting to your situation, you can stop the deterioration of your marriage in its tracks and set it on the path to healing and recovery.

Sound impossible? It's not, but it is extremely difficult. Most people are highly resistant to change. By now, you've built up patterns of negative behavior in your marriage (even if you thought you were doing nothing wrong), and it will take effort, determination, and absolute commitment to change yourself.

Changing yourself is the only way to save your marriage. I'm not going to tell you how to manipulate or change your partner. I won't validate your need to blame your partner. That's because playing the victim will not save your marriage.

You cannot abdicate responsibility for marital conflict--even if you don't think you're the one "with the problem." That's because every marital conflict has two components: the behaviour and the response. For something to cause problems in a marriage, the response to a behaviour is more important than the behaviour.

In other words, even if you think your partner's actions are causing problems in your marriage, your response to those actions are actually more important to your marriage than the actions themselves.

This can be difficult to grasp fully, so let's look at an example. Mary's husband always promises to bring home the groceries that she needs but always forgets to do so. For Mary, this is inexcusable. His broken promises erode the trust in their marriage.

She is sorely tempted to react emotionally to the situation and lash out at her husband every time he comes home empty-handed. But she knows that this response will drive her husband away further.

Instead, she decides to respond proactively and develops a plan of action. The next time her husband forgets to bring home the groceries she needs for dinner, she doesn't blame or criticize him. Instead, she sets her husband to watching the children, gets in the car, and drives to the store to get the groceries she needs.

She enjoys her small outing without feeling bitter. Although they have a late dinner that night, her husband sees that she's not angry with him.

After a few more times like this, Mary realizes that the most important goal in the situation is to have what she needs to make her family dinner--no matter who gets the groceries. Her husband realizes that not having the groceries does indeed inconvenience Mary.

As a result, her husband eventually asks her what they could do so that one of them doesn't have to get the groceries during the week. He confesses that he doesn't get the groceries because he is tired after work and hates having to make a detour to the store.

As a result, Mary and her husband decide to plan better and spend a bit more time on their weekend shopping trip so that they don't run out of food mid-week.

Mary's response transformed a high-tension situation into a manageable one--even though her husband's behaviour didn't change. Was Mary's response an easy one to make? No. She wanted to react emotionally, and it took an enormous amount of self-control not to give into the temptation to blame him or feel resentful.

It took time and creativity to decide the best plan of action in the situation. Mary knew that it would have been so much easier just to give in to her anger and expect her husband to change, but she made the effort because she valued her marriage.

As I said before and will say many more times again, saving your marriage takes effort, dedication, and absolute commitment. It's not easy, but an easy solution is like a band-aid. It will hide the wounds but won't keep your marriage from getting injured again and again.

To measure your commitment to saving your marriage, consider this story. I often ask people how much effort they put into losing weight. One woman told me that she'd bought dozens of books, tried a hundred and one diets, and even pumped money into a professional weight-loss program.

Yet this very same woman had an unfulfilling marriage with a husband who could do no right. "If you put that much money into weight loss," I told her, "why do you put less effort into saving your marriage?" She was stunned. She'd expected her husband to change to save their marriage; she didn't think that she had to do anything.

When you don't put effort into your relationship, love dies. Remember that a marriage either grows or weakens. Think of your marriage like a plant: if you fertilize it, water it, and notice when it is unhealthy, it will thrive. If you leave it to grow on its own, without any attention, it will wither.

One of the most common marital complaints is that, "We're not in love anymore." There are numerous people who file for divorce with the explanation, "I don't love my spouse anymore." Where does love go and how can you get it back?

Let me address the second question first. If you're the partner who's lost those loving feelings, there's a simple and effective answer to your question. Get it back by loving your partner. I first came across this method ten years ago.

Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, tells us that love isn't a feeling; it's an action. If you don't feel warm and affectionate towards your partner, ask yourself a simple question: are you acting warmly and affectionately towards your partner? If not, there's your solution.

You cannot maintain feelings of love and affection unless you consistently act in a loving way towards your partner. This means that you listen to your partner. You compliment and verbally appreciate your partner. You think of a million and one ways to show your partner how much you respect, admire, trust, and believe in him or her.

Maybe you give your partner a card on obscure holidays; maybe you surprise your partner by washing his or her car, or by initiating a back rub on a quiet weekday night. You'll learn more about this concept in my complete Save My Marriage! book.

You may not be able to change your feelings by pure force of will, but you can change your behaviour. Luckily, changing your behaviour is often all it takes to change your feelings. If you don't love your partner anymore, love your partner even more. It's not a contradiction. Act out the love that you want to feel.

If your partner is the one who doesn't love you anymore, don't go looking for blame. You cannot make your partner love you again by arguing, tears, manipulation, or threats. The only way you can recapture your partner's love for you is by being a more lovable person yourself.

Most of us think that we're easy people to love. Love is an emotion: it can be turned on or off, right? Wrong. Love is an action, and unless it is acted out it will die. As a result, you may be resisting being loved without even knowing it.

If you are uncomfortable giving and receiving loving acts, you may be a hard person to love. If you find it more comfortable to criticize than to compliment, you may be a hard person to love. If you shrink away from hugs and avoid kissing in public, you may be a hard person to love.

If you show your affection towards your partner by teasing or making fun of him or her, you may be a hard person to love. If you always have to be right and don't listen to your partner, you may be a hard person to love.

Lovable people love others. They are positive people. They enjoy physical intimacy and often initiate it. They trust and believe in their partner. They're proud of their partner, and they make sure their partner knows this. Because they are open and uncritical, their partners know that they can come to them with anything.

Does this sound like you? Do you want it to sound like you?

You may be thinking, "Those types of people are easily taken for the fool." It's true. Lovable people can be taken advantage of. But the one place where no walls should exist is in a marriage.

Your partner is not like other people. For intimacy to grow, both of you must be comfortable loving one another--both giving love and receiving it.

The following relationship killers nip love in the bud. They'll make it impossible for your partner to love you and, as a result, will cause your partner's loving feelings to die. If any of them apply to you, it's up to you to change yourself. You cannot get your partner's love back until you make it easy for him or her to love you.

1. You're disappointed in your partner. Your partner can sense when you are disappointed in him or her, even if you try to hide it. Respecting your partner is a must. You cannot have a healthy marriage if you are disappointed in your partner, period.

2. You're disillusioned with your marriage. Disillusionment is another marriage killer. You may feel as if your marriage hasn't lived up to your expectations. If so, take responsibility for your feelings. Don't blame your partner or your marriage.

If your marriage isn't what you want it to be, change it. If you're disillusioned, examine your expectations. Maybe they weren't realistic in the first place. You are responsible for your own happiness, and blaming your partner for not giving you the marriage you want is a cop-out.

3. You don't respect your partner. In some ways, respect for your partner is even more important than love for your partner. Have you ever noticed how you find it easy to like people who look up to you? When you respect and admire your partner, your partner will feel more loving feelings towards you.

If your partner feels as if he or she has to live up to your expectations, constantly disappoints you, or can never get it right, you've failed to show your partner the respect that he or she deserves.

4. You don't like or respect yourself.

5. You don't do what you say you are going to.

6. You let pride get in the way.

7. You always have to be right.

8. You don't listen to your partner.

9. You do things because they annoy your partner.

10. You're dishonest.

11. You have temper tantrums and/or are unable to control your emotions.

12. You are hurtful and put down your partner.

13. You criticize your partner in front of others.

14. You take pride in being difficult to live with.

15. You're unwilling to meet your spouse's requests or compromise.

16. You want your spouse to change who he or she is.

17. You let others get between you and your spouse.

18. You don't fight fair.

19. You want to stay exactly how you are and resist growth.

20. You can't handle stress and take it out on your spouse.

21. You take everything your partner does or says personally.

22. You always see the negative side of things.

23. You refuse to admit there is a problem or seek professional help.

24. You engage in alcohol or substance abuse.

25. You are physically or verbally abusive to your spouse.

If you've made it this far, you realise that transforming yourself into a more loving, lovable person will take a lot of soul-searching and breaking of old habits. To help you, I've included over 30 insightful and thought-provoking exercises in my book, Save My Marriage!

These exercises will take you much further and give you the knowledge you need to transform your life. To order Save My Marriage Today! click on the link below & Get your copy of 6 Part Mini-Course FREE:

All of us are capable of having affairs. To be incapable of having an affair is to be incapable of feeling temptation. Feeling the temptation to have an affair isn't the same thing as having it, however.

Many happily married couples admit that they are attracted to members of the opposite sex from time to time. Yet instead of repressing or nursing those feelings, they acknowledge them as the sign of a healthy sex drive and let them go.

When a person is unable to let go of that feeling of attraction towards someone not their spouse, they may risk everything--even their marriage--to give into their feelings. Sadly, affairs are the number one cause of divorce.

In January 2005, the BBC published a survey of matrimonial lawyers in which affairs came out as the number one cause of divorce in the U.K., accounting for 27% of divorces in 2004. Family strains were the second highest cause at 18%, physical or emotional abuse the third highest at 17%, and mid-life crises were fourth highest at 13%.

When marriages end in divorce as a result of infidelity, men are three times more likely to be the adulterous partner. However, women cheat on their spouses as well. A 2002 survey by the National Opinion Research Centre at Chicago University found that 15% of women surveyed had had an extramarital affair.

This number had risen five percent from their previous survey ten years earlier, and experts expect that the number will continue to climb until women have just as many affairs as men. The number of men who'd had an affair remained steady at 22%.

If roughly one in five men and one in six women have an affair at some time in their life, could your spouse be one of them?

The numbers climb even higher if emotional affairs are included. An emotional affair can be even more threatening to a relationship than a physical affair, because the lover replaces the spouse as the primary source of emotional well-being and companionship.

Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering From Affairs, estimates that the chances of a woman having either a physical or emotional affair at some time in her marriage are 50% or more.

The roots of affairs are difficult to pin down and are usually many, not one. Even if you are in a happy, stable marriage, you or your partner could find yourself tempted to have an affair simply for the excitement, novelty, and break from routine.

A variety of motives, both internal and social, spur people to have affairs. The most fertile ground for affairs occurs when there is a potential lover who is available and willing, when conditions make the practical side of giving into the temptation easy, and there is little to no expectation of a powerful social or moral condemnation for having the affair.

Here are some of the most common social and marital conditions that pave the way for affairs.

Temptation is everywhere, but as men and women spend more time with each other away from their partners, giving into that temptation becomes easier and easier. When a man or a woman spends a lot of time with a member of the opposite sex--whether friend, co-worker, or teammate--they develop a platonic friendship that can become much, much more.

Familiarity, emotional intimacy, and common professional or sporting goals create a powerful bond that may feel more compelling than the marital relationship. Computers and cell phones make keeping in touch with a lover simple.

Can men and women ever "just be friends"? In 1989 movie When Harry Met Sally, Harry's answer was emphatically no. Harry tells Sally, "...Men and women can't be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.... No man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her."

If your spouse is defensive or secretive about his or her friendship with a member of the opposite sex, you need to have an open and honest talk about the limits on your relationships with members of the opposite sex.

It's not okay for your husband's best friend to be another woman. It's not okay for your wife's number one confidant to be another man. In a strong marriage, both partners look first to one another to get their emotional needs met. This brings us to the next point...

This is this single greatest cause of affairs. When relationships are struggling, both men and women look elsewhere to get their emotional needs met and easily find themselves in the arms of someone "who appreciates them."

If you and your partner take each other for granted and treat one another like housemates instead of lovers, the stage is set for one of you to have an affair. Women, feeling unappreciated by their husbands, find solace with someone who does listen to them.

Unfortunately, an emotional affair can be just as devastating to a marriage as a physical affair. Men, feeling as if they're always being criticised and cannot please their wives if they try, enjoy the emotional reinforcement of someone who thinks that they're wonderful and can do no wrong.

Affairs often occur when one or both partners are under stress. Maybe you've just taken a new job; maybe your partner is struggling with the demands of a new child or ailing parent. If one of you cannot meet your partner's emotional needs for any length of time, your partner's chances of having an affair skyrocket.

Avoid this situation through open, honest communication. Notice when your partner is feeling down and don't rest until you've understood the source of your partner's emotions. If you feel that your partner isn't there for you when you need him or her, talk about it.

Open the conversation with a description of the things that your partner does for you that you appreciate, then explain what your emotional needs are and exactly what your partner can do to meet them. Next, turn the tables and ask your partner to share the same with you.

Unless you know what your partner's emotional needs are, you cannot hope to fulfill them by guesswork.

We all know the stories of musicians, actors, or athletes who spend long months on tour and return home to a wrecked marriage. Cheating is easy when partners spend long periods of time away from one another. Even if your partner calls you every night, you have no idea what they're doing in the time away from you.

It is easy for your partner to disassociate what they do in their time on their own from what they do with you. They may feel as if they live in two separate worlds that need never meet.

If you and your spouse spend long periods of time away from one another, you need to develop a plan of action to maintain your bond and sense of intimacy even during those times when you're away.

Increase your accountability to one another. Your partner should have a cell phone that you can call anytime, and you should always know where your partner is staying. The best solution in cases like these is to minimize the amount of time you're away from one another, even if it requires changing jobs or relocating.

When partners don't have time to relax together, their marriage becomes all work and no play. If both of you have overly scheduled lives, crammed to the full with taking your kids to school and after-school activities, meetings, overtime, fixing up your house, and social engagements on the weekends, your marriage will suffocate from lack of attention.

Just because you live together and wear a ring doesn't mean that your marriage is invulnerable. A marriage thrives when there is space for both partners to spend quality, unstructured time together, doing nothing but enjoying one another's company.

If your partner always spends his or her leisure time with others (at the bar, with a hobby that excludes you, with members of a social or sporting club) rather than you, the stage is set for infidelity. Your partner should have the time and space to do activities that he or she personally enjoys, but at least half (preferably more) of your partner's leisure time should be spent with you.

Public acceptance of affairs has transformed dramatically over the past few decades. There continues to be strong social and moral condemnation of infidelity, but the consequences of having an affair are not as great as in the past.

Nowadays, an affair isn't shadowed by the threat of pregnancy, the brand of social stigma, or losing one's job as a result. Cheating spouses are comforted by the ease of divorce that would allow them to leave their spouse for their lover. As culture removes more and more of the consequences of infidelity, more spouses will cheat. It's as simple as that.

Men and women both have high expectations of marriage--that their partner will be their soul mate, that love will be effortless, that their sex life will be dynamic and exciting. When these expectations are not fulfilled, men and women often look to someone else for fulfillment rather than examining their own expectations.

More and more women are having Desperate Housewives-style affairs with hunky young men, risking marriages with men who socially would be considered real catches: impressive jobs, wealthy, mature and responsible.

Why would these women risk the security and comfort of their marriages for 20-somethings with great bodies but not much else?

Modern Western culture places a high premium on an exciting, fulfilling sex life. When everyone else is doing it--in the movies, on the billboards, and in the media--we think we need to be doing it, too.

Yet a poll by Self magazine discovered that 58% of women polled were disinterested in sex, of which nearly a fifth were completely dissatisfied, preferring to watch television. Why were these women unhappy with their sex lives? Was it their partner, their attitude, or their expectations?

Although research proves that married men and women have better (e.g., more fulfilling and more frequent) sex lives than singles or couples living together, popular opinion believes the opposite.

Many people believe that once you marry, sex becomes dull and boring. What better to liven it up than the allure of an illicit rendezvous?

In fact, sex can actually improve in a marriage as a result of affair. The cheating partner feels guilty and doesn't want the spouse to suspect anything, so he or she puts more effort into their sex life. Cheating can also increase a cheating spouse's sex drive, because when you're having more sex, you want more sex.

Unfortunately, many couples don't put the effort into their sex life until it's too late. If you and your partner are distant, kiss infrequently, and seem to have lost any sense of intimacy, one of you may seek physical comfort elsewhere.

Decrease the chances of this happening by making an effort to be physically intimate with your spouse on a regular basis. Kiss and cuddle often. Touch one another randomly, whether by touching your partner's waist or arm. Invest in your appearance and don't use your marriage as an excuse to let yourself go.

Keep yourself fit. Avoid wearing worn-out, ill-fitting, or unattractive clothing around the house--and especially to bed. Liven up your sex life by regularly trying new things; if you can't think of any, purchase an erotic book or visit an adult shop.

The investment you put into physical intimacy will pay off by making the hours you do spend together--sleeping side by side--into ones to cherish.

You should already be able to guess the number one place for affairs to begin: the workplace. The vast majority of affairs start in the workplace, primarily because many people today spend more time at work than they do at home.

When men and women work in close proximity to one another, they can find it easier to relate to one another than to their spouses back home--especially if their home environment is rife with conflict.

Affairs can happen anywhere your partner frequents without your company. This includes mixed-gender clubs or societies, out-of-town conferences, or the gym. Another growing arena for affairs is the internet. Websites advertise personals for persons seeking extramarital affairs.

The internet offers the advantages of anonymity, ease of communication, and the ability to meet like-minded individuals. If your spouse spends a lot of time on the internet with the door closed, you need to have a serious talk.

Don’t accuse: if your partner is using the internet for research or to communicate with friends, he or she will have nothing to hide. But if your partner is indeed using the internet to conduct an affair or view pornography, he or she will become defensive and tell you that what he or she surfs the net for is none of your business.

That’s a red light. Keeping the computer in a public area where you or anyone else can see the screen is a wise move.

Many people seek marriage advice only after they’ve discovered that their partner has been having an affair. In many cases, the cheating spouse has already moved out and is living with their lover. An affair can destroy your marriage, but it doesn’t have to.

Positive signs that your marriage can be rebuilt after an affair include:

- Your partner told you about the betrayal on his or her own.

- Your partner is willing to answer questions about the affair.

- Your partner expresses guilt or remorse.

- Your partner is willing to cut off all contact with his or her lover.

- Your partner asks for or agrees to marriage counselling.

- You are willing to let go of your resentment and look inside yourself for reasons that your partner may have sought fulfillment of his or her needs with someone else.

- Both of you are willing to make personal changes to get your marriage back on solid ground.

If your partner is unwilling to talk about the affair, refuses to cut off all contact with his or her lover, and accuses you of causing him or her to have the affair, you will have many challenges to overcome to get your marriage back together again.

If you expose your suspicions immediately, what sort of response do you hope to get?

If you don't have any proof, or your proof is just circumstantial, the most likely response you will get is denial. If you can't prove without a doubt that you know about their affair, there is little you will be able to do that will refute their denial.

From a strategic point of view, you will have jeopardised your chances of catching your partner in the act because you will have alerted them to your suspicion. In future they will be more careful to hide their tracks, making it harder for you to find proof.

If you claim ignorance, and don't confront your partner, they will have no reason to think you suspect anything. In fact, they may become reckless and become complacent when it comes to hiding evidence of their affair.

From a strategic point of view, acting as though you are ignorant is the best tactic to use. If people don't think you are listening, it is surprising what they may say. They may unconsciously let little things slip....

The longer you are able to maintain the illusion of ignorance the more proof you will be able to gather. Remember, without concrete proof, you should never accuse your partner. Not only is there the likelihood they will deny it and make it harder for you to prove their guilt, but there is also the possibility, however unlikely, of you being wrong."

--Sarah Paul, How to Catch a Cheating Spouse.

Now that you know how to spot an affair and some techniques to minimise your chances of being cheated on. Next you will learn, how to keep the lines of communication open with your spouse. Lack of honest, direct communication creates an environment where secrecy and affairs can flourish,

Remember: if you're serious about saving your marriage, Simply Get your copy of the 6 part Mini-Course FREE by filling the form below:

First of all, let's take a look at what commitments held marriage together in the past. Historically, marriage has been seen as necessary protection for child-rearing families. In other words, you got married to have kids, because getting married ensures that you'll stay together to form a healthy, stable home for the baby.

Today, Americans don't think that way. Seventy percent of Americans believe that the purpose of marriage is something other than raising kids. We're having fewer children as well. Today, only one third of American households include children under the age of 18, compared to about half of all households in the 1960s.

When a couple does have children together, the presence of children does not have the same kind of deterrent effect on divorce as it did forty years ago. A 1994 study found that only 15% of the population agreed that parents of children should stay together for the sake of the children, even if the parents no longer get along.

In the past, another reason to stay married was because of economic dependence. Marriage used to provide a form of economic security. If one partner's earning ability was threatened, there was always the other partner's income to fall back on.

Today, young people do not believe that a marriage provides any form of economic security. They prefer to make it on their own financially--men and women both--before considering themselves ready for marriage. As a result, financial interdependence is not a strong enough reason to hold married couples together.

Historically, religious beliefs also fortified marital vows. Yet today fewer and fewer couples share a religious view of marriage as a covenant between a man and a woman before God.

In fact, according to the National Marriage Project, only 42% of young people consider it important to marry someone with the same religion. As a result, for many couples their wedding vows don't have the same force of commitment.

Currently, there is less social disapproval of divorce or extended periods of singledom than ever. Men and women are single longer and don't feel the need to marry due to the availability of alternative lifestyles, such as co-habitation.

In fact, the median age of marriage for American women is 25; for men, it's 27. Many young people consider their first marriage a trial marriage anyway; they assume that it will end in divorce but marry anyway to have the experience.

There's little social censure in being a divorcé, and the number of divorced individuals in the single scene means that a recently divorced person has a fairly good chance of remarrying.

What forms the basis of a man and a woman's commitment to their marriage, then, if it is not their children, economic stability, God, or social mores?

According to a 2001 study by National Marriage Project, the primary reason that young men and women want to marry is to find a soul mate: someone with whom they have a profound spiritual and emotional connection for life.

If you got married because you expected your partner to be your soul mate for life, you reflect a trend in modern society towards couple-oriented marriages, where the primary focus of the marriage is the relationship between the two people involved rather than social, religious, or financial considerations.

Unfortunately, this couple-oriented focus can create huge expectations and pressures. Couples have a much lower tolerance for unhappiness than in the past. In fact, they are abandoning marriage at much lower thresholds of dissatisfaction.

According to the National Marriage Project, it is estimated that over 50% of divorces now occur not because of dramatic conflicts and fights, but because of more generic, less traceable feelings of dissatisfaction, distress, and unhappiness.

Sadly, marriages that have an underlying feeling of discontentment can and often do get better over time. If couples can stick out the hard times, they find that the good times that follow are worth what came before. It's an important point that many lose sight of: happy marriages are not always happy.

They have periods of unhappiness and conflict followed by periods of reconciliation and reconnection. The trick is to stay committed to the marriage during those unhappy times and find ways of navigating through them.

Modern couples have a whirlwind of duties to juggle: they may work full-time, have children to raise, and have social commitments to community service organizations, committees, or clubs.

By the time you throw in commitments to family, social engagements with friends, personal hobbies, gym time, and the rest, the modern couple has very little time for one another.

Obviously, your level of commitment must be divided among a number of things, but what level of commitment should you give to each? Try drawing a pie chart with each section labeled according to the amount of time you dedicate to it. Ask your spouse to do the same. Afterwards, discuss whether the balance of commitments is healthy for you both.

Here are some commitments that often test a couple's dedication to one another:

- Workaholism. 

This occurs when overtime, job commitments, travel, and pressure make the work relationship (rather than the marital relationship) the primary identity-giving relationship in a person's life, giving them their chief sense of satisfaction and purpose.

If you would rather be at work than at home, or spend your leisure time with your workmates rather than your spouse, your marriage is on rocky terrain. Many workaholics can't see what they're doing.

They claim that their hard work is helping keep the marriage together by providing an income. Both partners must make some difficult lifestyle changes if they are to resolve this issue.

- Children. 

As much joy and pleasure children can bring to a marriage, they also test the marital bonds by creating stressful situations. Children can pit parent against parent. Their behavior can cause a tense family environment that neither partner wants to come home to.

They can demand enormous amounts of energy and leave none for anyone else. The child-rearing years can also be dangerous for couples because the focus of the marital unit switches from the pleasure of being a couple to raising the children.

Make time for being a couple. Even if your children begrudge it at first, the happy family environment will more than make up for it.

- Other people, 

usually a needy friend, parent, or family member, who requires large amounts of one partner's time. This often occurs when parents of one or both spouses are getting older and in need of extra assistance.

Spouses should not let anyone get between them. If your spouse resents the amount of time you spend with a needy parent or friend, you need to have a discussion and come to some sort of resolution about what amount of time would be appropriate.

- Any crisis 

where one partner is completely responsible for the resolution of the problem, with no input or assistance from the other partner. If a married couple distinguishes between "your" problem and "my" problem, they eliminate the crucial sense of teamwork that keeps a marriage together. If you are facing a crisis--even if it's yours alone--you must involve your spouse. A marriage isn't about going at it alone.

In this "soft" sense of addiction, an addiction occurs when a person spends all their time at one thing and uses it to avoid facing real-world commitments and duties.

For example, your spouse may spend all of his or her spare time at the bar, on the computer, or in the garage tinkering. These activities are not a problem until they become an escape mechanism to avoid spending time with you or engaging in conversation.

One common problem occurs when one spouse surfs the internet until late at night. When they go to bed, their spouse is already asleep, which increases the alienation between the two parties. Hobbies are wonderful in moderation, but they should never become your primary source of pleasure. Find activities that you can do with your spouse.

In this section, you're going to learn about one of the most commonly cited reasons for divorce: "We just grew apart." 

Notice his or her lips: are they clenched, relaxed, upturned, or tight? Notice the eyes: are they narrowed, focused, sleepy, open? Notice clues in posture (stiff, slumped, relaxed) and how he or she holds his or her arms (crossed in front, loose at sides, on lap).

Compile a list of your partner's emotional expressions in your mind so that eventually you'll be able to tell how your partner is feeling just by looking at him or her.

By reading your partner's mood before he or she says anything, you'll develop a more intimate bond and move closer to the marital "mind-reading" that long-term couples develop after years and years together.

You'll be able to respond to your partner's moods in an appropriate way rather than expecting your partner's mood to match your own.

The ability to recognise your partner's emotions without verbal cues will help you meet your partner's emotional needs in a way that would be impossible if you just went by what your partner said. Often, your partner will say one thing but be feeling another.

This is not because your partner is lying to you; it may be because your partner wants to deny his or her feelings to him or herself. It may also because your partner hasn't recognized that emotion in him or herself.

Don't make the mistake of believing that you know your partner better than he or she knows him- or herself, but do use your instincts wisely to be there more fully for your partner.

If you think that your partner is worried, upset, or tense, set the stage for your partner to feel comfortable sharing with you using the techniques you learned in Part 4. Tell your partner that you noticed they seemed tired or upset and ask them if they want to talk about it.

If they don't, that's okay. Just remind them that you're there in case they feel like talking about anything.

If we ourselves are tired or upset, sometimes the last thing we want to do is notice that our partner is tired or upset, too. Our own emotions can make us blind to the emotions of our partner. That's why it's so important that you develop the skill of "reading" how your partner feels.

Once you become accustomed to doing it, you won't be able to turn your new "eyeglasses" off. You'll read your partner's feelings whether you want to or not.

A mid-life crisis occurs when a person reaches middle age and suddenly rethinks the priorities and life decisions that they've made thus far. They may make a complete and drastic change in their life, swinging 180 degrees from who they were before, in an attempt to take advantage of the second half of their life before it's too late.

They may feel a desperate panic to discover something they think they've missed and, as a result, give up everything they've achieved thus far--stable job, marriage, family--for an amorphous "something" that they think they can't get with the life they have now.

Many marriages end during this time. Affairs skyrocket as spouses seek reassurance that they're still physically attractive. It is a trial for any marriage, and navigating through it will require all of the communication, love, and intimacy skills you possess.

Understanding what is happening is the first goal. If your spouse can recognise that he or she may be struggling with a mid-life crisis, your spouse has taken the first step towards minimising the damage that the crisis can cause.

I recommend personal counselling at this time so that your spouse can discuss his or her priorities, regrets about the past, and how he or she envisions the future.

Being flexible and playing along with your spouse's need for novelty may help. Suggest lifestyle changes that will satisfy your spouse's need for a change in priorities without abandoning your marital lifestyle altogether. Allow your spouse to talk openly, even if what he or she says is critical of the life you have shared together.

The more your spouse can share his or her thoughts and feelings, the closer he or she will feel to you as the only one who understands what he or she is going through. Although this will be a difficult time for you, it is even more difficult for your spouse, so be understanding.

There's no "magic bullet" for keeping marriages together during the mid-life crisis, but the stronger and healthier your relationship is before it hits, the more "armor" you have to protect it.

A strong and healthy marriage requires effort, dedication, and commitment. If you're really serious about making the investment, there's no better way to start than by getting the information you need to save your marriage.

This mini-course has given you an idea of some of the places where you can start, but there is only so much you can say in six days. If you're really serious about saving your marriage, you need practical exercises and in-depth analyses of where your marriage might be going wrong.

You'll find that and much more in my book, Save My Marriage Today! For more details, Simply Get your copy of the 6 part Mini-Course FREE by filling the form below:

That's a basic covering of all the issues and facts surrounding reasons for divorce and how to stop that happening to you and your marriage. If you pay attention to these facts and tips you will be less likely to become a divorce statistic, and you will be much better prepared to meet the challenges of marriage as you grow old together.

You now know more about why marriage problems really occur. You know where to start to take action to save your marriage and stop the pattern of negative behaviour that threatens to destroy it.

There is a lot more to learn if you are going to be prepared for every eventuality that your marriage is going to present. I have discovered lots of ideas and techniques over the last few years counselling all sorts of couples with marriage problems, and every day I learn a little bit more. You can too.

I recently put some of this groundbreaking information together into a package of e-books as well as a collection of articles. All you have to do is download the books onto your computer and sit down and begin reading and learning. And if you don't want to sit at the computer and do it, you can print the books off and take them with you!

The Save My Marriage Today package covers all of the most common and most serious problems that can plague your marriage, and offers tested solutions that have delivered real benefits for couples in crisis.

Not only is the material in this package enlightening, I also get you involved, and get you to apply the concepts to your marriage through a series of set exercises. This package is more than just a good read... it gets you to think clearly and rationally about your problem and it gets you to take action.

Here's what some of my satisfied customers had to say about the package after reading it and applying it to their marriage problems:

"I was a little bit skeptical in the beginning and the reason is we've tried 2 different marriage counselors already and I've already read numerous other books on the subject. There wasn't anything I could seem to do.

However after using your book and following the exercises you set out, I have been seeing significant results with our marriage situation. And I'm a whole lot happier in myself. My friends and family are very glad to see that I'm back to my old self again! Fingers crossed it all continues."

-- Ianessa Gorerro, Huntington Beach, USA

You can learn more about this package at: Simply Get your copy of the 6 part Mini-Course FREE by filling the form below:

Make sure that you don't leave anything to chance. Get Save My Marriage Today and learn every last detail on what it takes to turn your marriage problems around and recreate the loving marriage that you always dreamed of. With our help, it is possible to rescue any marriage!

You can be on your way to repairing your marriage within minutes. Simply Get your copy of the 6 part Mini-Course FREE by filling the form below:

About "Save My Marriage Today"

The "Save My Marriage Today" course is a comprehensive collection of marriage rebuilding tools designed to assist troubled couples in turning around the negative patterns of behaviour that exist in their marriages.

We have a range of experience with a large variety of problems among the members of the Save My Marriage Today team and have managed to help many couples in crisis turnaround their patterns of negative behaviour. We have a range of life-changing e-books, and also have a new e-book specifically written for couples in extreme crisis. We also offer free access to personal consultations from a member of the "Save My Marriage Today" team.

I am sure that we can help with any problem that you may have in your marriage.

We have a range of experience with a large variety of problems among the members of the Save My Marriage Today team and have managed to help many couples in crisis turnaround their patterns of negative behavior. We have a range of life-changing e-books, and also have a new e-book specifically written for couples in extreme crisis. We also keep our members informed with weekly posts containing thoughts on topical issues, book reviews, and gossip on our official SaveMyMarriageToday LIVE blog. We also offer free access to personal consultations from a member of the "Save My Marriage Today" team.

Simply Get your copy of the 6 part Mini-Course FREE by filling the form below: